thrown open to the sun
by petrichorpoetry
Summary: Life can get better, Jim finds out. (Or, how many ways can you find a family and grow into a happier version of yourself?) Learning to live with open doors and windows takes a while, but he gets there in the end.
1. New Starts (smell like airports)

p

emOnce upon a time, there was a boy who loved space. /em

/p

p

emHe also loved people, a lot. And he had a lot of love to give. He didn't think he'd ever run out. And the world was so big, and amazing, and beautiful, and everything was always just so interesting. He loved being alive. He loved his life. He loved his mom. /em

/p

p

emBut once upon a time, that boy's mom got sick. And that boy's family changed. And that boy learned that some people aren't as good as they think they are, and he learned that family doesn't always mean you won't be hurt. He learns, very quickly, that safety in life is a lie./em

/p

p

emThings were a whole lot harder and not full of love and joy. And that boy learned the hard way that you can suffer for years, and the people you hold dear to your heart can suffer for years, and the people you hold dear to the heart can cause you to suffer for years, and life doesn't care. You can love the world as much as you want, and the world isn't going to come in on a white horse and save you from the pain./em

/p

p

emOnce upon a time, there was a boy who loved stars./em

/p

p

emOnce upon a time, there was a boy who used to wish upon the moon./em

/p

p

emOnce upon a time, life knocked that boy down again and again until he was too afraid to look back up at the sky and raise his head for fear of getting knocked down again. Once upon a time, he didn't remember how to see the world as beautiful and wonderful and full of joy./em

/p

p

emBut once upon a time, he found a bit of hope. And that boy latched on to it like a lifeline and followed it to a chance, and when that chance showed up, he took it. /em

/p

p

emOnce upon a time, there was a boy who learned to live with an open heart again./em

/p

p

emThis is his story./em

/phr /

pJim has always loved the rush and flow of airports./p

pHe loves the incredible variety of people that are always walking past, loves people-watching and trying to figure out who might be going where, and why. The kids who are excited and pressed up against the window glass as hard as they can, like they're trying to squeeze themselves through it and out to the planes on the tarmac, make Jim smile from where he sits near the gate. He wishes he could still get away with doing that alongside them./p

pBut mostly what he loves about airports is the sense of anticipation that always comes along with them. If you're in an airport, you're always emgoing/em somewhere. You're headed towards something, and so is every person around you. It's special. It's something fresh and new and feels a little bit like freedom. It's impossible to feel trapped or stagnant if you're in an airport. The very foundation of the place is motion—literal and metaphorical./p

pAirports, to Jim, mean changes of scenery and breaths of fresh air, and new places. Today, the airport also means emnew start/em./p

p

em"Flight 2204 to Los Angeles, boarding now."/em

/p

pJim swore he felt his heart jump as he stands and swings his old backpack over one shoulder and walks to where the line is forming to board. He was one of the first people there, and when he made the walk down the corridor into the plane itself, it was still nearly empty and full of that pre-flight quiet and the sounds of the cabin air system blowing. He returned the friendly greeting of one of the flight attendants and quickly parked himself in one of the window seats just in front of a wing. Jim thanked his lucky stars that he was able to get a window seat. It's always been his favorite place to sit./p

pOver the next fifteen minutes or so, the plane filled. Last checks were performed and the gate corridor is detached. As the plane started its slow roll to the runway, it began to hit Jim that…he was really doing this. It wasn't just a hope anymore. It wasn't just a plan that's off in the future. He was really going all the way to the West Coast, and starting a new life for himself in college. He was really, truly going to be free from everything at last. He could start over./p

pHe can be whatever he wants. He can feel new./p

pThe plane paused, ignited the engines. Jim gripped the armrests of his seat, leaned forward slightly without realizing it. The plane began to accelerate down the runway, faster, and faster, with Jim's face pressed up against the window watching the grass whiz past as the plane picked up speed. When the plane lifted off the ground and began its climb, Jim let out a soft sound that was half laugh and half sob, and rather like the second cousin of a breathless gasp./p

pAs the Midwest fell away beneath him, he found himself smiling broadly, and absolutely, definitely, not crying a bit./p

pAfter a few minutes of watching the land and low clouds drift past, he settled back in his seat, wiping at his eyes with the back of his wrist. He has nothing to look forward to except pure opportunity and freedom to live and learn and experience, and to become what he's always felt he could be if he could just get the chance. As Jim closes his eyes, he imagines what freedom and opportunity are going to feel like. He wouldn't give this choice up for the world./phr /

pJim finally spotted an open seat a few rows in front of him, and mentally put a claim on it. emMine/em./p

pHe'd just had a two hour layover at LAX, and was finally getting on the connecting flight to San Francisco. Jim counted himself lucky to not have brought a large carry-on bag with him as he ducked into the row. He was glad not to have to find an open slot in the overhead storage areas./p

pHowever, he did still keep a wary eye on the people around him as they tried shoving their bags in the already-overstuffed overhead bins. He'd been hit on the head by a suitcase once. Not really something he wanted to repeat./p

pAs Jim stared out the window at the flight controllers out on the tarmac, he was suddenly started by a man dropping down into the seat next to him with a loud huff. Jim turned to him with a smile./p

p"Hi!" he offered, politely./p

pThe man glanced at him. "Hi." It sounded more like a grunt than a word./p

p"I'm Jim," Jim said./p

p"McCoy."/p

pJim raised his eyebrows. "That your first name?"/p

p"No," the man said, "it's Leonard. Leonard McCoy." Jim could hear a slight drawl in his voice. emWonder where he's from?/em/p

p"Nice to meet you!" Jim said brightly. "I'm Jim Kirk, if we're giving full names. I'm headed to San Francisco for college, on my way from Iowa."/p

p"That's nice."/p

pMcCoy clearly didn't want to have this conversation. Every part of his demeanor was giving off strong emleave-me-alone/em signals. As the flight attendants closed the plane door and started going through the standard safety instructions, Jim noticed McCoy's knuckles turning white as he gripped the armrests hard enough to crush an orange./p

p"So, Leonard McCoy, what brings you to San Francisco? Or are you only passing through?"/p

pMcCoy's neck cracked from how fast his head snapped over to look at Jim. "What?"/p

p"Why are you going to San Francisco?" Jim repeated patiently. /p

p"Uh," McCoy's eyes darted to the window and back as the plane started to roll. "Med school."/p

p"Oh yeah? That's awesome!"/p

p"Mm." McCoy was rapidly reaching an impressive shade of white./p

p"Hey, are you okay?" Jim touched the man's shoulder. McCoy nearly jumped out of his skin. He locked eyes with Jim, looking a little bit embarrassed and a whole lot terrified./p

p"I really don't like flying," he said quietly./p

pJim nodded. "I'm guessing that this was your only option then. Would it help if I tried to distract you?"/p

p"Please," McCoy gritted out. He was so tense Jim worried he was going to strain some tendons./p

p"Questions better, or do you want me to ramble about something?"/p

p"Questions please. Too easy for me to tune you out." When Jim laughed, McCoy quickly added, "Nothing personal."/p

p"Okay," Jim said, still smiling. "Med school, huh? What made you want to be a doctor?"/p

pMcCoy took a deep breath, firmly kept his gaze locked on Jim and away from the window, and focused on his answer./phr /

pBy the time they landed at SFO, Jim was pretty sure he'd made his first friend in the newly-christened Bones. Or at least a good acquaintance. He liked the man. They'd already exchanged numbers and gone through the litany of the standard get-to-know-you questions, plus plenty extra. They caught a bus shuttle to the campus together, since they'd discovered they were headed for the same university./p

pJim was a freshman, technically, and Bones already had his Bachelors. But that didn't seem to matter for them. Bones explained that he still had three years of med school left before he graduated—"Perfect! I'm going to graduate in three, so that's right on time! We can celebrate together!"—because he'd already done one but had to take a leave of absence last year for family matters./p

pJim didn't press for more, and Bones appreciated it. Bones also didn't ask Jim why he never seemed to mention his family or much of what he'd been doing up until now. They just talked about the here and now and what Johnny Cash songs were best and tried to one-up each other with the worst airport layover times. By the time they had to split off to do their respective check-ins and find their dorms, they'd made plans to meet up the next day at the dining hall for lunch./p

pJim waved goodbye to Bones and smiled broadly, and took a deep breath in. Even the air seemed different here. It was new and exciting and perfect for a new start./p

p Turning to head in to the undergraduate check-in area, he couldn't help the extra spring in his step as he pushed through the doors. College was looking great so far, and he was so ready for all of it to begin./p

p"Jim!" he heard, and turned to see Pike striding towards him from his position near one of the tables. Jim's grin got even broader. Pike caught him in a bone-crushing hug. "It's good to see you, son. Your flight okay?"/p

p"It was awesome."/p

p"I'm glad to hear it." Pike put an arm around his shoulders and led him to one of the tables. "Let's get you checked in, and then we'll figure out what dorm you're in. You ready for this?"/p

pJim glanced at Pike. "I'm embeyond/em ready. Just point me in the right direction and tell me where to go."/p

pPike laughed, and Jim couldn't help laughing too. It felt right. emThis,/em thought Jim, feeling truly hopeful for the first time in years, emis the beginning of something good./em/p


	2. You (don't) Always Have Things Under Con

pJim burst through the door and dropped his bag on his desk chair, skidding to a halt just inches in front of where Bones was napping./p

p"Bones!" he hollered./p

pBones shot awake, jerking so hard in the blanket that was wrapped around him that he nearly tumbled off the bed. em"WhAT?!"/em/p

p"You're not gonna believe this!"/p

p"Jim, emoh my/em—I emswear to Mike/em, Jim, if this is emanything/em less than the embuilding being on fire/em I'm gonna—"/p

p"Well, it's not the building on fire but—hey, whoa!" Jim held his hands up as bones finally untangled himself from the covers and rose menacingly from the bed. "Mercy! The building isn't on fire but I promise I had a good reason!"/p

p"Spill," Bones demanded./p

p"Okay, okay, so I was walking back from English Comp, and I'm walking under that big tree, you know, with the great climbing branches that everyone has picnics under? And I decided to walk over and see if I could see any cool birds in it, because there are usually a couple hanging around. But anyway, so I'm walking under the tree minding my own business when this girl emfalls out of the tree!"/em/p

pBones gaped for a second. "Was she emokay?/em"/p

p"Oh, yeah, she was fine!" Jim said, reassuringly. "She fell on top of me. I was kind of a cushion for her fall."/p

p"You emwhat?/em Are you okay?" Bones started patting Jim down, before Jim quickly batted his hands away./p

p"I'm fine, Bones, don't worry. I'll probably have a couple of bruises tomorrow or something, but really, nothing serious. The ground is soft and she didn't fall from really high up or anything. Besides, you know I'm good at falling!"/p

p"Lord knows I do," Bones sighed. "You know, that's not really something you should really be proud of."/p

p"Of course it is! Falling well is a valuable skill. Saves you a lot of trouble and pain."/p

p"Sure," Bones said, shaking his head, "but the amount of falling it indicates you've done is more than I want to think about."/p

p"Hey, if I don't get hurt—"/p

pBones slapped a hand over Jim's mouth. "emDon't/em finish that sentence," he growled. "You're gonna jinx it."/p

pJim's eyes twinkled and he tried to say something that was muffled by Bones' hand. Bones lifted it from Jim's mouth and stepped back a little./p

p"I didn't get to finish!" Jim said. "You didn't let me get to the best part. You're not going to believe who the girl was."/p

p"Who?"/p

p"Uhura!" Jim laughed./p

p"emWhat?/em What is emUhura/em doing up in a tree?"/p

p"emNone of my business,/em apparently." Jim said. "But I'm guessing it had something to do with a bet between her and Gaila."/p

p"That would explain it," said Bones, now grinning himself./p

p"Picture it, Bones. Uhura on top of me, we're both in a tangled heap on the ground, and she looks madder than a goose when you walk too close to its nest. There were leaves sticking out of her hair at all angles while she was telling me how creatively she'd murder me if I told Gaila about what she was doing."/p

pThey both laughed./p

p"What do you want to bet Gaila's going to ask me for help with something sketchy later tonight?" Jim asked./p

p"And you'll help her with it, as always."/p

p"Life is short! Friends are important. Quality time, Bones."/p

p"Yeah, but do you have enough time to do your homework?"/p

p"Sure, sure, it's all fine. I've got this. Besides," Jim added, waving his hand, "even if I don't get it done today I'll have the whole weekend free to do what I need to get done."/p

p"Yeah, as long as you don't spend more emquality time /emwith people the whole weekend," Bones pointed out./p

pJim walked over to his desk. "It's fine, Bones, stop worrying."/p

p"All right, all right!" Bones flopped back down on his bed. "It's your schoolwork. I ain't the one who'll have to stay up till one in the morning to finish a paper on time."/p

pJim snorted and turned around in his chair. "Please, isn't this the pot calling the kettle black? Who was it that was just up into the wee hours of the morning today doing paperwork they should have done last weekend?"/p

p"Touché," Bones groaned. "Now shut up and let me go back to sleep. I have two hours before my meeting with Boyce and I plan to make the most of them."/p

p"Sweet dreams," Jim laughed, as he switched off the main lights. "I'll make sure you're awake in time to get over there."/p

p"Thanks, Jim." Bones' reply drifted out from under his comforter./p

p"No problem," Jim said with a smile, then turned to his phone. emHey Gaila,/em he typed. emHow's it going?/em/p

pemJim!/em Her reply came back within seconds. emOh man! Would you want to help with some shenanigans that are possibly less-than-wise but a lot of fun while Nyota is at her evening class?/em/p

pemGaila,/em Jim repliedem, I am ALWAYS down for some shenanigans. I'll come over after dinner. /em/p

pHe realized he was smiling as he tossed the phone onto his bed. Only a few weeks in to the school year and he was already lucky enough to have what he considered great friends and a never-boring life. Although, to be fair, Jim figured Dr. Pike would snort and counter that things couldn't stay boring around Jim if they tried, because Jim was em"a force of nature hell-bent on excitement and sharing fun."/em Pike's words, not Jim's. Not that Jim could really argue. He was just too interested in everyone and everything to be bored for long./p

pJim set an alarm on his phone as he shut the bathroom door behind him and turned on the shower, so he wouldn't forget to wake up Bones. Then he stepped out of his clothes and into the hot shower. As the water poured across his shoulders, he sighed happily. Hot water, man. That was a luxury he'd never stop appreciating. He just had to learn to remember to turn on the fan more often before he got in the shower, so they didn't have a repeat of the fire alarm incident. And speaking of the fan…/p

pOops./p

pOh, well, Jim thought, as he slip-slid his way across the tile to switch the fan on. Like Pike had said, at least his life was never boring./p

pThe next morning, Jim sat crosslegged on his bed with his laptop perched on a textbook between his knees. He typed at a near-frantic pace while occasionally taking a few enormous bites of bread, never breaking focus./p

p"Hell, Jim, don't choke or something. Slow down." Bones appeared next to him, sporting his usual bedhead. Jim startled, nearly knocking his computer to the floor. "Whoa, sorry! Didn't mean to scare you," Bones apologized./p

p"It's fine," said Jim./p

p"What are you working on, anyway?" Bones peered at the screen. Jim sighed./p

p"Marcus changed the due date for the rough draft of our paper on the Dreyfuss Affair without telling us. I found out like, an hour ago. It's due before class at ten."/p

p"That's not fair. Does it say when he changed it?"/p

p"Yesterday at eight-something p.m. I guess he figured we'd see it in time? Or maybe it was an accident. I'm not taking that chance though. He's a hard grader. No mercy."/p

p"Well, good luck," said Bones. Jim gave a quick thumbs-up as his roommate shuffled off into the bathroom./p

p"Thanks," he called after him. "I'll need it!"/p

pHe managed to get it done in time, and turned his freshly-printed paper in to Dr. Alexander Marcus's desk a few minutes before class was about to start. Why Dr. Marcus didn't allow them to submit work online, Jim would never know. But it wasn't worth getting frustrated over things he couldn't change. The man was just stuck in his ways./p

pJim sat through the class, and the whole time couldn't help thinking about how badly he felt he'd done on the rough draft. Rough drafts in Dr. Marcus' class were graded, and Jim knew now that he was an unforgiving grader. The more he thought about it, the more problems he found with his paper. Weak phrasing, points that weren't supported enough, too many or not enough sources…/p

pBy the time class was ending, Jim was feeling miserable. He knew he'd get a bad grade. He caught himself trying to make excuses—emit's just a rough draft, though, I always saved my polished writing for the final, I'm not used to turning in drafts; if he'd given us a little more time/em—but quickly stomped those thoughts down. No, Jim had just screwed up. If he'd planned his time better, or worked harder, or just cared more, even, he wouldn't have failed this./p

pJim shouldered his way out of the lecture hall and made his way to his favorite bathroom, the one with only a couple of stalls way at the end of the building./p

pIt was his favorite because no one ever seemed to use it, and that held true today. Jim braced his arms against the sink and leaned his forehead on the mirror as the door thumped shut behind him, cutting off the faint noise of the hallway as students distantly milled around, chatting in between classes./p

pThe cool glass felt good against his skin, and he let his eyes shut as he focused on taking some deep breaths. He needed to pull himself together before his psychology class, and he only had a few minutes./p

pemCome on, Jim, /emhe told himself. emThis is nothing. Just chill. /em/p

pBut at the same time, Jim's mind kept repeating, emhow could you do this? This is your one shot at doing better! You can be something more here if you work at it! But what are you doing? You're throwing it away because you're lazy and didn't bother working hard on one of the earliest assignments of the semester. If this is what you're doing now, what do you think is going to happen later on, when you have lots of assignments all the time and you're tired AND having to prepare for finals? You're just going to fail more. Like you just did. You never work hard enough. You're always going to fail. Why don't you just give up now?/em/p

p"No!" Jim said out loud. He felt embarrassed for a second, looking around to make sure he really was alone. He sighed./p

pJim thumped his head on the mirror gently a few times before pulling back and staring at his reflection for a few moments. He looked fine, he supposed. Not upset, anyway. So that was fine./p

pJim shifted his backpack to sit more comfortably on his shoulders and pushed his way out the door. His brain could shut up until the end of class. It was time to focus./p

pWhen Bones dragged himself in through the door of their dorm room that night, Jim had regained his usual relaxed, cheerful demeanor. "Bones! How was the rotation today?"/p

p"emLong/em," Bones moaned. "At least now I'm 100% sure I don't want to specialize in emergency medicine and work in the ER."/p

p"That bad?"/p

pBones sighed, throwing his bag on his desk chair. Jim watched sympathetically as his friend started pulling off his scrubs and tossed them in the hamper before flopping onto his bed. "Not really. Some ER shifts haven't been bad, and I like trauma cases. But the drudgery of it, and the number of people who come in who don't actually need help from an ER but want to whine about it a lot, I can't stand them. I've got no patience for you if you're just wasting time and a bed. There's always someone who actually needs it."/p

p"That makes sense," Jim said. "Hey, you want a cookie? I knew you'd be out late, tonight, so when I got the urge to bake something I made your favorite. Chocolate chip MM."/p

p"Jim, you're an emangel/em," Bones exclaimed. He dove for the foil-covered plate Jim pointed to and quickly bit into one of the cookies. "emMmmm/em." Bones closed his eyes, looking worlds happier than he had just moments ago. He swallowed, and opened them again with a smile. "Thanks, Jim. These are amazing."/p

pJim ducked away and laughed as Bones reached out to quickly ruffle his hair on his way back to his bed. "No problem, Bones. I'm glad you like them."/p

p"Mmm emhmm/em," Bones hummed in agreement and maybe a little bit of bliss./p

pNot long after, the two of them turned out the room lights and laid down to sleep. But while he heard Bones quickly stop tossing and turning and quiet down, fast asleep, Jim found himself laying awake for hours, still feeling guilty about the paper he'd turned in as a rush job that morning and already hopeless about more assignments that he had coming up. He didn't want to fail everything. This was his chance to prove himself. He had to keep it together, school-wise, emotionally, socially. He wasn't going to let himself ruin this./p

pemI screwed up, yes, I admit it,/em Jim thought to himself, finally. emBut I can do better still. I WILL do better. This will work. Tomorrow, I'm going to do better. I'll get ahead on all my work, and when it's time to turn that final paper in, it'll be so perfect, Dr. Marcus won't know what hit him./em/p

pJim rolled over and pulled the cover up to his chin. He could just make out a faint sliver of light coming in under the edge of the curtainem. I'm not going to let people down again,/em he promised. emThis time, I really am going to do everything right. /em/p


End file.
